Photo by Simona Balint

This is Dad's first Father's Day in advanced dementia. It's the first time I really can't tell him what he means to me. I miss him so much.

One thing I miss a lot about Dad is our conversations. He was thoughtfully open-minded, having earned a masters at seminary and completed a masters thesis too, so he was no stranger to thorough research and critical thinking.

He taught my brother and me to think outside the box and to think for ourselves. He encouraged us to take a good look at different ideas and didn't limit or pressure us to have specific opinions.

But he didn't just tell us to think for ourselves, he modelled it too. As a teenager he followed his honest convictions rather than giving in to pressure to submit to tradition.

As I grew up and had more mature conversations with him, I started to recognize how he still wasn't swayed by tradition or peer pressure--his beliefs came from a combination of heart (conviction), mind (thinking), prayer and Bible study.

As a result he raised kids who pour hours into studying, thinking and praying about their belief systems, who don't feel compelled by Christian status quo. That's probably one of the biggest gifts he's given us.

I miss our conversations. I miss his encouragement and the interesting things we always talked about. I miss my Dad. ♥

"...the worthier the individual, the greater is his loss to the living. The more he meant to those about him--family, friends, community--the deeper the grief and sharper the anguish..." Rabbi H. Halevey Donin

At first, my response to this quote was, How true.

On second thought, I had to ask, Who decides an individual's worthiness?
How do we measure someone's worth and their contribution to "the living"?
How do we judge one man's service to the world as more valuable than another's?

I've known some amazing, faithful believers and prayer warriors who served and gave of themselves tirelessly, but they still passed away without much notice from the rest of the world. I'm sure most of us know people like this.

Dad was a nursing home chaplain for a while and he often told us how his heart broke for the seniors who were lonely, who rarely had visitors, if ever. Their closest loved ones had already passed on and their living relatives were either far away or emotionally distant or just too busy to visit very often.

But these seniors had done amazing and sacrificial things in their time and yet no more than a handful of people would ever know when they passed away. I wonder if our not celebrating these quiet, behind-the-scenes servants is our loss, not theirs.

What about younger people who also find themselves without scores of friends? Maybe they're just more introverted, shy, soft-spoken folks. Maybe God called them to serve Him behind the scenes. Maybe He called them to a kind of service that was more humble than flashy. Maybe He called them to give all of themselves in service to one needy person instead of many. There are a gazillion good reasons why some people just aren't popular and well-known.

Not everyone's funeral will pack a stadium or leave a gaping hole in their community. But does that determine their worth? I think you and I both know the answer to that already.

It would be really sad if we believed our worth came from how many people loved us, or if our worth was based on whether we met other peoples' expectations. God works in mysterious ways. It could be that some of the people who struggled through life unknown and un-celebrated by the world turn out to be among the 'greatest' in heaven. God's the only one who decides the worth of a person's life and contributions.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. (1 Cor. 1:26-29)

Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one Instructor, the Messiah. The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. (Matt. 23:10-12)

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. (Psalm 119:105)

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. (Joshua 1:8)

When you think of *doing* the Christian life (or "doing the kingdom" as some people say) I'm sure we all think about telling others about God, praying for people, volunteering at church, loving our neighbour and stuff like that.

But when you think about "doing," does the Bible also come to mind?

Reading the Bible doesn't exactly seem like an active "doing the kingdom" kind of thing. It always seemed like a passtime for Christians, something inactive or passive that we knew we should fit into our lives between the praying and volunteering and witnessing.

Blessed is the one ...
whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3)

I've heard the phrase "doing the Kingdom" used to describe a Christian with a vibrant, faithful, servant lifestyle. I've especially heard it used to distinguish this lifestyle from other Christians who are fixated on Scripture and theology without applying it to their lives--in other words, lots of knowing and very little doing.

But the opposite extreme can also be a weakness for some of us. If we think of "doing the Kingdom" as being an action that excludes reading, thinking, memorizing and discussing Scripture, we risk drifting away from our clearest and most tangible connection to God--His Word.

A few more passages come to mind:

Scripture cannot be set aside (said by Jesus in John 10:35)

After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. (Luke 2:46-47)

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. (Matt. 22:29)

And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself. (Luke 24:27)

I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word. (Psalm 119:16)

Thinking about it again, maybe exploring/knowing/discussing/revering Scripture is also part of the doing? Maybe our relationship with God's Word is just as alive and thriving and active as anything else we do as Christians.

Just thinking out loud here. I'd love to hear your take on this too.

Carol Kent's book dedication struck me between the eyes. She says:

This book is dedicated to our

"Stretcher Bearers"

and to all of you who take the time
to respond to the needs of others
by answering the question,
"How can I help with tangible encouragement?"

Our "Stretcher Bearers" became the
hands and feet of Jesus to us
when we ran out of resources.

You have modeled a lifestyle of giving

that has forever changed our lives.

Please hold Gene and me accountable

for "finishing well."

Then at the end of chapter 1 Carol Kent poses questions for the reader on issues like "unthinkable circumstances," prayer, and so on. The next question she asks is incredible:

Are you asking for help from other people? If not, what keeps you from asking? (Embarrassment and self-reliance are possibilities.) Carefully consider what might benefit you most right now (and at each stage of your journey through unthinkable circumstances): Professional advice? A shoulder to cry on (literally)? Help running errands or keeping your household or business in order? A weekend away? Financial support? Whom can you ask to help you get what you need?

I find these questions so stunning because of how strongly they go against the grain in some Christian circles. Asking for advice or a cup of sugar is one thing. Asking for someone's time, energy, or significant resources are quite another, especially if the situation makes them feel uncomfortable. Discomfort--that reason alone was enough for my parents' church leaders to defend the members' absence from our lives when we needed support and compassion the most.

In a capitalist and individualistic culture that prizes privacy and self-fulfillment, asking for these things may cost you dearly. You might even lose relationships along the way, even in your family or in your church. And if you ask more than once, you'll receive a stern warning about "depending on God for your needs, not on people." They'll try to give you the idea that asking people for help is shameful--sinful even--because it shows how little you trust God to provide for your needs.

Well, don't believe them.

There are countless examples through the Old and New Testaments showing God's desire for us to take action to help people in need. Here's one story from Scripture that gets little airtime from the pulpit:

Acts 6:1-7
In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Hellenistic Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, “It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. Brothers and sisters, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word.”

This proposal pleased the whole group. They chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit; also Philip, Procorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolas from Antioch, a convert to Judaism. They presented these men to the apostles, who prayed and laid their hands on them.

So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.

The Greek-speaking Jews complained to church leaders because native Jewish widows in their group were getting food, and Greek-speaking widows were not.

Notice what the church leaders did NOT do in response:

• They didn't say, "Well, if the Greek-speaking widows aren't getting food, then it must be God's will."
• They didn't tell the Greek-speaking widows to put their "trust in God, not in man."
• They didn't make the Greek-speaking Jews feel less spiritual for making their complaint.
• They didn't say, "Well, you just have to understand that native Jews are uncomfortable around Greek-speaking Jews."

Notice what the church leaders DID do in response:

• They immediately met with each other to solve the problem.
• They recognized that the teachers among them already had a heavy work load.
• They chose believers from their congregation to fill this specific need.
• In short, they lived out the gospel!

Asking for help is not a sin. Be on your guard in case the spiritual leaders you trust try to tell you otherwise.

Christians ARE the hands and feet of Jesus in each others' lives, if God has given us a resource or skill to give, and IF we're willing to put others ahead of ourselves.

Stretcher Bearers... what a great concept. :)

Some of you might appreciate this article by Tyndale Publishers:

New Free Media Diet Calculator Planned to Launch Dec. 26

Aims to Bring Awareness of Family Media Intake Versus Real Life Interaction

Nashville, Tenn. Dec. 15, 2010… After a season filled with record-setting cell phone and gaming gifts to teens and tweens, iShine is announcing the upcoming Dec. 26 release of the Family Media Diet Calculator. The calculator is a new tool providing customized awareness to families in regards to how much time they spend connected to media in comparison to the amount of hours they spend plugged in with real life interaction and content consumption.

By visiting http://www.familymediadiet.com/, parents nationwide will be able to plug in amounts of time their families spend texting, browsing online, consuming television and more. They will then be able to print a free custom analysis of where their families are spending their time in comparison to their involvement in recreational and faith-based activities along with family time and reading. The campaign is not an anti-technology movement. It is about use awareness and being intentional about the content.

It is estimated that the 20 million tweens in this country spend 25 hours a week watching television and playing video games and only one hour in church. George Barna (The Barna Group), a pioneer in research on Christian culture, recently noted that kids spend more time absorbing media than anything else in their lives, except sleeping. A recent article in The New York Times titled “Growing Up Digital, Wired for Distraction” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/21/technology/21brain.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=technology) also discussed the effects of technology compared to focusing and learning.

“We as parents must be deliberate of what media our kids consume, understanding that it is forming the way our kids look at everything – self image, friends, parents, leaders, themselves,” remarks iShine Founder and Chief Creative Officer Robert Beeson. “If we as parents aren’t actively forming the person our kid’s are becoming – make no mistake – someone else is.”

iShine, known for bringing family-friendly media options through tours, music, television and radio mediums, is sponsoring the free Media Diet Calculator. The organization will also be releasing a new interactive Bible for tweens with Tyndale House Publishers in Feb. of 2011.

# # #

http://ishinelive.com/

More about iShine:

iShine is a Christian media group dedicated to ministering to “tweens” and their families. Tweens are defined as children between the ages of 7 and 13, and represent the single most influential age group in the world today. Mainstream media and consumer marketing groups focus their messages of identity, popularity and value predominately to the “tween” marketplace for a reason. iShine reaches today’s “tweens” through Biblically-based live concerts events (iShineLIVE!), unique television programming seen weekly on TBN (iShine KNECT), iShine artist releases to CD and DVD, interactive websites and coming in 2011, an entire line of books and Bibles all specifically designed to be relevant to this vital audience.

Enya, whose music I love, is more well-known than her sister, Moya Brennan, whose music I also love. Moya's one of those artists who isn't exactly famous, but should be. Both women draw from their celtic roots in their music, and both manage to create sometimes awe-inspiring, sometimes haunting, and always breathtaking melodies.

I've been a big fan of Enya since I was a teenager. So I was extatic one day, many years ago, when I worked at a Christian book & music store and spotted Moya's CD called "Perfect Time" sitting on the shelf. I bought it, and soon discovered that her music wasn't exactly like Enya's. But as I explored Moya's other albums I grew to love her style, and over the years I've gone through phases where all I listen to is Moya, like many of us do with our favorite albums, I think. Anyway, these days I've been immersing myself in Moya's soothing tones again, and I was inspired to share a glimpse into Moya's work with you. :)

I don't know where Enya's heart lies in terms of faith, but Moya seems to be more forthright about her Christian faith in some of her music, like in Peacemaker, the first song in this little 4-track playlist that I put together at my new favorite website, Grooveshark (thanks, Hannah!).

I hope you enjoy it. :)

 Let me share a joke I just heard, about burden-bearing:

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

I'm quite discouraged. Another long-time member of my parents' church recently (just last week) referred to helping my Dad as "babysitting". I wonder if that's the predominant attitude about all this, as though Dad's heart, mind and soul are already lost, and it's just a crazy man who can't be by himself.

I'm just at the point where I don't know what to think anymore. So often it seems that we fit right into the James 2:15-16/1 John 3:17 scenario. So many people tell us they'll pray for us, but I wonder whether they actually do pray, and what they *really* think about my parents and our situation. And regardless of all that, their prayers are not backed up with tangible support anyway.

And I'm not talking about people who are burdened down with their own major struggles, but about those I've seen who do have the time to help but choose to spend it on watching television, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, playing video games, and so on. I just don't see how this is compatible with the Christian's calling in Romans 12 (v. 10-16). It's like the Christian life can so easily be compartmentalized... being spiritual and prayerful at church gatherings is fine, but then holding onto our "right" to fun, leisure and entertainment is also acceptable - even celebrated, because "God created fun" and we "deserve" it. How can the Body of Christ carry on this way without first making sure all of our members are cared for (1 Cor. 12:22-26/Gal. 6:9-10)?

I have no problem admitting that I used to be that way before my parents fell into this mess. Our struggle to find help revealed much selfishness and darkness in my own heart. But now that I've woken up to this in my own life, how do I live out Hebrews 10:24? I just wish the mature believers in our churches would realize it in themselves too, take that step of faith, turn their lives around and *truly* die to themselves every day the way Christ calls us to. Not just for my parents' sake, but for the sake of their relationship with God, and for all of the other people who could potentially be comforted and supported if only more of us Christians lived out the "always" in 1 Thess. 5:15.

How many of us praying, well-intentioned Christians are cross-eyed bears, and how many of us actually bear one another's burdens? How many of us truly bear the cross?

This is just my ongoing frustration with the culture of Christianity in North America as a whole. We're a long way off from Acts 2:44-47 these days, and I wish I knew how to help change that somehow.

I've realized a major change God has been working in my heart over the last couple years: Through my family's situation of need my eyes have been opened--literally for the first time--to Scripture passages about God's instructions to us about helping those in need. I've realized, and confirmed with a few theologians in personal conversations, that Scripture does lay out a clear path for us:

1) Give tangible help to those in our immediate and extended family who are vulnerable and needy

2) Give tangible help to members of our local congregation who are vulnerable and needy

3) Give tangible help to our family of believers who are spread around the world who are vulnerable and needy

4) Give tangible help to our unbelieving neighbours (locally and globally) who are also vulnerable and needy

The change that happened in me is a total reversal of my values. I used to be a lot more self-absorbed, into entertainment, spending a lot of time in my imagination, and tons of time doing goofy things with friends. Although these things are not intrinsically bad, I know that one day, after I'm no longer needed by my parents, I'm going to spend my free time helping others a great deal more than I will on the pursuit of happiness, diversions, entertainment, and so on. I know this because of how I feel these days when other people give up their leisure time to help my parents. They are an answer to our prayers, and one day I want to be the answer to many other peoples' prayers too.

This is just a little note to let you know you're often thought of with gratitude. Many are they who will give grand counsel and goodly advice without forsaking the pedestal of self-esteem. But there are so few, like you, who touch the hearts of anybodies and make them somebodies, who say, "I can feel your pain, may I share it?", who knit their lives to others for that brief time when care is needed most, who when his life path crosses another's, says, "let me help you for the span of time we walk together," forgiving and forgetting with a love that surpasses all but the divine.

For your encouragement and fellowship I will always be deeply grateful.

So ends a letter to my Dad from a gentleman many decades ago. The person he describes is the Dad I've known growing up - always fully and completely giving himself to others in their greatest moments of weakness and grief. Why is it that, after living a life like his and now in his greatest time of need, the majority of Christian acquaintances back out of Dad's life in fear, while those who embrace him with love are the exception? And is it any wonder that those of us who know and love Dad experience indignation when Christian leaders of my parents' church justify their own and their members' distance in their greatest time of need and loneliness?

Dad still has his ups and downs, but with taking less Dilantin per day (that's his seizure medication), his mind is not as foggy as it was before. He has been incredibly articulate at times, and all the normal dreams and hopes that we humans experience are being expressed by Dad clearer and more often these days. He desires to get better, to pick up his former profession of pastoring, to drive a car, to have friends who treat him like a normal human being who is worthy of respect and worth the time to visit. He wants to have adventures, to use his gifts for singing and counselling, to try new things like learning to use a digital camera and an accoustic guitar, to devote time to his interest in music, model trains, history, Scripture, and so on. What he needs are just a few more friends to help him reach up out of the fog and realize some of his ambitions. The possibilities, believe it or not, are numerous and attainable...

There is always more going on here, but I'll have to post about it another day. Thanks for checking in, and remember, your comments (and phone calls!) are always welcome.

Dad and I have been on the go ever since his change in medication! I never dreamt one less pill per day would translate into driving around the countryside, meeting new people, visiting old friends, getting to know my community, learning history, and going on photography jaunts day in and day out! It's pretty striking to see the difference in Dad now that he has less Dilantin clouding his mind. Dad's energy level, ambition, curiosity and rootedness in reality have skyrocketed during this time, which has really kept me on my toes. In the last few weeks Dad and I have frequented historical sites, attended cultural events, visited local tourist sites, and taken in free classical concerts. I have to say, I've really enjoyed myself, and my only major complaint is that I am no longer able to spend my days at home working on my thesis. The cost so far has been $1500, which I've spent on tuition fees just to be enrolled in school, while getting nothing done. What I desperately, desperately need is other people to come over and spend time with Dad a few hours in the morning. I just can't express how badly I need to redeem the rest of my school year. Why is it that so many people just don't seem to realize the cost of caregiving, and how life-changing their long-term help might be to caregivers? It's all good for people to tell me to depend on God, but we all know God isn't going to erase my school debt. Nor is He going to finish my thesis for me.

I've recently connected with Christians from a church my Dad formerly pastored. They actually just survived a much greater trauma than we are currently, so they know just how meaningful it is to have friends share in the task of burden-bearing. One of them has already spent a morning with Dad, and will be returning on a regular basis in order to offer respite to my Mom and me. We are extremely grateful to God for answering our prayers through this man! And the remarkable thing about his visits is that he drives 1.5 hours one way just to get here!

Meanwhile, my Clone and I have been planning dinner parties in order to resurrect my parents' social life and opportunities for meaningful fellowship and friendship. Mom is way too busy and tired to do this herself, but she has also admitted to being painfully lonely this year. So, Clone and I came up with a plan to organize small dinners for my parents and their friends from far and wide, one family at a time. We are thoroughly enjoying our interaction with the folks who've sat at my parents' table so far, and we look forward to many fun dinner parties in the weeks and months to come! We're also grateful for our family who've invited my parents to their place in the last few weeks; this gives us much-needed rest, and gives me snippets of time for my studies.

Speaking of which, I have a research ethics request form to finish. Thanks for dropping by!

It has been one week since my Dad's twin brother departed again, after flying out from Germany for a wonderful visit with our family. But this week has been difficult for Dad... the dementia messes with his memories of the visit; sometimes it was good, other times not so good, and on one or two occasions he was unable to remember the visit at all. It has also been a tumultuous week... Dad says he wants to see his brother "Now", and doesn't seem to understand why his twin can't just come back in an instant. We've had to handle fits of anger, despair, sobbing, and depression at all hours of the day or night. So we are tired and sick.

But it seems as though Dad is beginning to settle down again, thank God! And when he settles down, he often stuns me with the most breathtakingly profound spiritual thoughts and reflections, as he did again tonight as he, Mom and I read the Bible together (Psalm 119, to be specific...)

You know, my Dad is not 'crazy'... he is definitely not well as he struggles against the dementia, but he is still live in there, overcoming the power of the disease whenever he possibly can. And we are deeply appreciative of all of our friends who don't see a 'crazy person' when they look at Dad, but see instead a hurting and lonely soul who needs to be wept with (Rom. 12) and loved (1 Cor. 12) on a regular basis:

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. (...) Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. - Romans 12:10-13, 15-16

But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. - 1 Corinthians 12:24b-26

[Encouragement] is the opposite of flattery, which uses words to entice and manipulate. The flatterer does not bother to discern the true character of the other person, but says whatever he must say to win the person over to his own designs. The gift of encouragement also differs from a mere pep talk that seeks to prop up the weary with positive generalizations. Instead, it sustains the person by observing his strengths, and affirming them in specific terms. -- From a Hebraic meditation

My family has been made 'weary' through the last several years of disability, unemployment, caregiving, isolation, financial struggles, emotional breakdowns, and physical and mental burnout.

Many people wonder how they can possibly encourage someone who's going through major difficulties, especially the kind that are not easy to identify with. Speaking on behalf of the 'weary', I wanted to share the quote above as a good first step in encouraging people around you who are facing major challenges.

IN A NUTSHELL
I'm a wife, caregiver, book worm and global nomad. I'm a missionary kid & pastor's kid. A fan of history, science, travel and HGTV. I'm a Christian who hates labels. I'm also a student of every subject under the sun.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT
Churchy stuff
I love reading, thinking and discussing the Church--our church history, our present-day church, the global church, pretty much every church topic under the sun.

I'm nowhere near being a theologian and I don't pretend to have all the answers.

But for 20+ years, as a missionary kid & pastor's kid, I observed the church's public face and its behind-closed-doors face as well.

And thanks to my Dad's interaction with others in ministry, I've sat through countless ministry retreats, meetings, and dinner table talks about church as well.

So I've got this experiential foundation in church stuff, and now I'm trying to fill in the gaps by learning as much as I can. I also write a blog about church.

Being a young caregiver
I'm crawling my way up from total burn-out after 2.5 years of helping my parents get through the most chaotic and agonizing phase of my Dad's dementia.

I'm also struggling through the grief of losing my Dad so early in life; he's 64 now, and his downward spiral began when he was only 57.

Now he's in the advanced stages of dementia. I miss being able talk with him (we used to talk about church and all kinds of other things) and I miss getting advice from him too.

These days I barely know how to respond to what he's being forced to endure; getting my brain to accept what dementia does to a human being is like telling a computer to bake a cake. It doesn't compute.

What keeps me blogging
I often wonder, how do I...
• Live in the moment with an eye to eternity?
• Ground myself in the Word while staying open to the Spirit?
• Overcome evil with good, especially the stuff hiding behind 'Christian' attitudes, trends and traditions?
• Lead a lifestyle of passionate wisdom *and* worship?
• Love God with all my mind, heart, soul and strength?

So here at widsith I write to find answers to these questions and (when you comment) I get to hear how they're being answered for you too.