Carol Kent's book dedication struck me between the eyes. She says:

This book is dedicated to our

"Stretcher Bearers"

and to all of you who take the time
to respond to the needs of others
by answering the question,
"How can I help with tangible encouragement?"

Our "Stretcher Bearers" became the
hands and feet of Jesus to us
when we ran out of resources.

You have modeled a lifestyle of giving

that has forever changed our lives.

Please hold Gene and me accountable

for "finishing well."

Then at the end of chapter 1 Carol Kent poses questions for the reader on issues like "unthinkable circumstances," prayer, and so on. The next question she asks is incredible:

Are you asking for help from other people? If not, what keeps you from asking? (Embarrassment and self-reliance are possibilities.) Carefully consider what might benefit you most right now (and at each stage of your journey through unthinkable circumstances): Professional advice? A shoulder to cry on (literally)? Help running errands or keeping your household or business in order? A weekend away? Financial support? Whom can you ask to help you get what you need?

I find these questions so stunning because of how strongly they go against the grain in some Christian circles. Asking for advice or a cup of sugar is one thing. Asking for someone's time, energy, or significant resources are quite another, especially if the situation makes them feel uncomfortable. Discomfort--that reason alone was enough for my parents' church leaders to defend the members' absence from our lives when we needed support and compassion the most.

In a capitalist and individualistic culture that prizes privacy and self-fulfillment, asking for these things may cost you dearly. You might even lose relationships along the way, even in your family or in your church. And if you ask more than once, you'll receive a stern warning about "depending on God for your needs, not on people." They'll try to give you the idea that asking people for help is shameful--sinful even--because it shows how little you trust God to provide for your needs.

Well, don't believe them.

There are countless examples through the Old and New Testaments showing God's desire for us to take action to help people in need. Here's one story from Scripture that gets little airtime from the pulpit:

Acts 6:1-7
In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Hellenistic Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, “It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. Brothers and sisters, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word.”

This proposal pleased the whole group. They chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit; also Philip, Procorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolas from Antioch, a convert to Judaism. They presented these men to the apostles, who prayed and laid their hands on them.

So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.

The Greek-speaking Jews complained to church leaders because native Jewish widows in their group were getting food, and Greek-speaking widows were not.

Notice what the church leaders did NOT do in response:

• They didn't say, "Well, if the Greek-speaking widows aren't getting food, then it must be God's will."
• They didn't tell the Greek-speaking widows to put their "trust in God, not in man."
• They didn't make the Greek-speaking Jews feel less spiritual for making their complaint.
• They didn't say, "Well, you just have to understand that native Jews are uncomfortable around Greek-speaking Jews."

Notice what the church leaders DID do in response:

• They immediately met with each other to solve the problem.
• They recognized that the teachers among them already had a heavy work load.
• They chose believers from their congregation to fill this specific need.
• In short, they lived out the gospel!

Asking for help is not a sin. Be on your guard in case the spiritual leaders you trust try to tell you otherwise.

Christians ARE the hands and feet of Jesus in each others' lives, if God has given us a resource or skill to give, and IF we're willing to put others ahead of ourselves.

Stretcher Bearers... what a great concept. :)

 Let me share a joke I just heard, about burden-bearing:

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

I'm quite discouraged. Another long-time member of my parents' church recently (just last week) referred to helping my Dad as "babysitting". I wonder if that's the predominant attitude about all this, as though Dad's heart, mind and soul are already lost, and it's just a crazy man who can't be by himself.

I'm just at the point where I don't know what to think anymore. So often it seems that we fit right into the James 2:15-16/1 John 3:17 scenario. So many people tell us they'll pray for us, but I wonder whether they actually do pray, and what they *really* think about my parents and our situation. And regardless of all that, their prayers are not backed up with tangible support anyway.

And I'm not talking about people who are burdened down with their own major struggles, but about those I've seen who do have the time to help but choose to spend it on watching television, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, playing video games, and so on. I just don't see how this is compatible with the Christian's calling in Romans 12 (v. 10-16). It's like the Christian life can so easily be compartmentalized... being spiritual and prayerful at church gatherings is fine, but then holding onto our "right" to fun, leisure and entertainment is also acceptable - even celebrated, because "God created fun" and we "deserve" it. How can the Body of Christ carry on this way without first making sure all of our members are cared for (1 Cor. 12:22-26/Gal. 6:9-10)?

I have no problem admitting that I used to be that way before my parents fell into this mess. Our struggle to find help revealed much selfishness and darkness in my own heart. But now that I've woken up to this in my own life, how do I live out Hebrews 10:24? I just wish the mature believers in our churches would realize it in themselves too, take that step of faith, turn their lives around and *truly* die to themselves every day the way Christ calls us to. Not just for my parents' sake, but for the sake of their relationship with God, and for all of the other people who could potentially be comforted and supported if only more of us Christians lived out the "always" in 1 Thess. 5:15.

How many of us praying, well-intentioned Christians are cross-eyed bears, and how many of us actually bear one another's burdens? How many of us truly bear the cross?

This is just my ongoing frustration with the culture of Christianity in North America as a whole. We're a long way off from Acts 2:44-47 these days, and I wish I knew how to help change that somehow.

I've realized a major change God has been working in my heart over the last couple years: Through my family's situation of need my eyes have been opened--literally for the first time--to Scripture passages about God's instructions to us about helping those in need. I've realized, and confirmed with a few theologians in personal conversations, that Scripture does lay out a clear path for us:

1) Give tangible help to those in our immediate and extended family who are vulnerable and needy

2) Give tangible help to members of our local congregation who are vulnerable and needy

3) Give tangible help to our family of believers who are spread around the world who are vulnerable and needy

4) Give tangible help to our unbelieving neighbours (locally and globally) who are also vulnerable and needy

The change that happened in me is a total reversal of my values. I used to be a lot more self-absorbed, into entertainment, spending a lot of time in my imagination, and tons of time doing goofy things with friends. Although these things are not intrinsically bad, I know that one day, after I'm no longer needed by my parents, I'm going to spend my free time helping others a great deal more than I will on the pursuit of happiness, diversions, entertainment, and so on. I know this because of how I feel these days when other people give up their leisure time to help my parents. They are an answer to our prayers, and one day I want to be the answer to many other peoples' prayers too.

This is just a little note to let you know you're often thought of with gratitude. Many are they who will give grand counsel and goodly advice without forsaking the pedestal of self-esteem. But there are so few, like you, who touch the hearts of anybodies and make them somebodies, who say, "I can feel your pain, may I share it?", who knit their lives to others for that brief time when care is needed most, who when his life path crosses another's, says, "let me help you for the span of time we walk together," forgiving and forgetting with a love that surpasses all but the divine.

For your encouragement and fellowship I will always be deeply grateful.

So ends a letter to my Dad from a gentleman many decades ago. The person he describes is the Dad I've known growing up - always fully and completely giving himself to others in their greatest moments of weakness and grief. Why is it that, after living a life like his and now in his greatest time of need, the majority of Christian acquaintances back out of Dad's life in fear, while those who embrace him with love are the exception? And is it any wonder that those of us who know and love Dad experience indignation when Christian leaders of my parents' church justify their own and their members' distance in their greatest time of need and loneliness?

Dad still has his ups and downs, but with taking less Dilantin per day (that's his seizure medication), his mind is not as foggy as it was before. He has been incredibly articulate at times, and all the normal dreams and hopes that we humans experience are being expressed by Dad clearer and more often these days. He desires to get better, to pick up his former profession of pastoring, to drive a car, to have friends who treat him like a normal human being who is worthy of respect and worth the time to visit. He wants to have adventures, to use his gifts for singing and counselling, to try new things like learning to use a digital camera and an accoustic guitar, to devote time to his interest in music, model trains, history, Scripture, and so on. What he needs are just a few more friends to help him reach up out of the fog and realize some of his ambitions. The possibilities, believe it or not, are numerous and attainable...

There is always more going on here, but I'll have to post about it another day. Thanks for checking in, and remember, your comments (and phone calls!) are always welcome.

Dad and I have been on the go ever since his change in medication! I never dreamt one less pill per day would translate into driving around the countryside, meeting new people, visiting old friends, getting to know my community, learning history, and going on photography jaunts day in and day out! It's pretty striking to see the difference in Dad now that he has less Dilantin clouding his mind. Dad's energy level, ambition, curiosity and rootedness in reality have skyrocketed during this time, which has really kept me on my toes. In the last few weeks Dad and I have frequented historical sites, attended cultural events, visited local tourist sites, and taken in free classical concerts. I have to say, I've really enjoyed myself, and my only major complaint is that I am no longer able to spend my days at home working on my thesis. The cost so far has been $1500, which I've spent on tuition fees just to be enrolled in school, while getting nothing done. What I desperately, desperately need is other people to come over and spend time with Dad a few hours in the morning. I just can't express how badly I need to redeem the rest of my school year. Why is it that so many people just don't seem to realize the cost of caregiving, and how life-changing their long-term help might be to caregivers? It's all good for people to tell me to depend on God, but we all know God isn't going to erase my school debt. Nor is He going to finish my thesis for me.

I've recently connected with Christians from a church my Dad formerly pastored. They actually just survived a much greater trauma than we are currently, so they know just how meaningful it is to have friends share in the task of burden-bearing. One of them has already spent a morning with Dad, and will be returning on a regular basis in order to offer respite to my Mom and me. We are extremely grateful to God for answering our prayers through this man! And the remarkable thing about his visits is that he drives 1.5 hours one way just to get here!

Meanwhile, my Clone and I have been planning dinner parties in order to resurrect my parents' social life and opportunities for meaningful fellowship and friendship. Mom is way too busy and tired to do this herself, but she has also admitted to being painfully lonely this year. So, Clone and I came up with a plan to organize small dinners for my parents and their friends from far and wide, one family at a time. We are thoroughly enjoying our interaction with the folks who've sat at my parents' table so far, and we look forward to many fun dinner parties in the weeks and months to come! We're also grateful for our family who've invited my parents to their place in the last few weeks; this gives us much-needed rest, and gives me snippets of time for my studies.

Speaking of which, I have a research ethics request form to finish. Thanks for dropping by!

Our doctor recently ordered that my Dad's intake of Dilantin medication be reduced. Dilantin is an anti-epileptic/anti-convulsant drug which Dad has needed since his first seizure a year ago September. One of its common side-effects, which is really unfortunate for people trying to cope with dementia, is mental cloudiness and confusion. It has made life more difficult for Dad than it needed to be, and for us - his caregivers - as well.

Within the last couple weeks we heard from our doctor that Dad should be administered one less Dliantin pill per day, and both Mom and I have been surprised at the results. On the negative side, Dad experiences tremmors in his arms and legs because of the reduced level of Dilantin in his system. But the positive changes have been the most outstanding. It's his increased mental clarity that has encouraged him and us! How does this look in real life? He's able to buckle himself up in the car without incident, and is able to find the car door handle most of the time. He wasn't able to do these things before his Dilantin reduction. He is much more articulate, using more sophisticated words and expressing himself a little faster and more clearly. Since starting on Dilantin Dad has woken up and wandered throughout the apartment several times every night, always watched by Mom to make sure he didn't get lost. With the reduction in Dilantin, his nightly wandering routine has shortened; Mom says getting him back to bed is easier now. He is also more self-aware, and aware of his health situation. He is slightly more able to reason, and is also a little better at holding his own in a conversation. He isn't recovered, mind you. But any improvement is worth celebrating, especially when we feel like we've gotten a little piece of our Dad back, and Dad feels more empowered to hope.

Tonight we had my parents and other family members over for a low-key dinner. Before heading out the door, Dad turned around and said to our guests, "You know, I want to tell you something," and proceeded to share his joy and optimism at these recent improvements in his life. It's a joyful point in a painful, exhausting roller-coaster. So we cling to moments like these.

It has been one week since my Dad's twin brother departed again, after flying out from Germany for a wonderful visit with our family. But this week has been difficult for Dad... the dementia messes with his memories of the visit; sometimes it was good, other times not so good, and on one or two occasions he was unable to remember the visit at all. It has also been a tumultuous week... Dad says he wants to see his brother "Now", and doesn't seem to understand why his twin can't just come back in an instant. We've had to handle fits of anger, despair, sobbing, and depression at all hours of the day or night. So we are tired and sick.

But it seems as though Dad is beginning to settle down again, thank God! And when he settles down, he often stuns me with the most breathtakingly profound spiritual thoughts and reflections, as he did again tonight as he, Mom and I read the Bible together (Psalm 119, to be specific...)

You know, my Dad is not 'crazy'... he is definitely not well as he struggles against the dementia, but he is still live in there, overcoming the power of the disease whenever he possibly can. And we are deeply appreciative of all of our friends who don't see a 'crazy person' when they look at Dad, but see instead a hurting and lonely soul who needs to be wept with (Rom. 12) and loved (1 Cor. 12) on a regular basis:

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. (...) Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. - Romans 12:10-13, 15-16

But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. - 1 Corinthians 12:24b-26

[Encouragement] is the opposite of flattery, which uses words to entice and manipulate. The flatterer does not bother to discern the true character of the other person, but says whatever he must say to win the person over to his own designs. The gift of encouragement also differs from a mere pep talk that seeks to prop up the weary with positive generalizations. Instead, it sustains the person by observing his strengths, and affirming them in specific terms. -- From a Hebraic meditation

My family has been made 'weary' through the last several years of disability, unemployment, caregiving, isolation, financial struggles, emotional breakdowns, and physical and mental burnout.

Many people wonder how they can possibly encourage someone who's going through major difficulties, especially the kind that are not easy to identify with. Speaking on behalf of the 'weary', I wanted to share the quote above as a good first step in encouraging people around you who are facing major challenges.