Why didn't the Christian cross the road?

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Finally, the root of all theological confusion is revealed, and it comes down to this: Why didn't the Christian cross the road?

If you're searching for the perfect evidence with which to smite your enemy understanding to admonish your brother/sister in the Lord, search no more. This list will answer all your questions. We will learn about Evangelicals, Emergers, Reformed Theologians, Dispensationalists, and Arminians. And most importantly, take it with grain of salt and enjoy.

Many thanks to Parchment & Pen for illuminating the Church with these timely insights, and thanks to my friend who spread the word on her blog. ;)


Top Eleven Reasons the Arminian Did Not Cross the Road

11. He is the one who is in charge. No one is going to make him do anything.

10. We are not sure if he will cross or not. No one knows. Not even God.

9. He has felt the draw of the other side of the road and has resisted thus far.

8. He heard someone yell at someone on the other side calling him a dork. He thought he said “Dordt.” It scared him.

7. Two guys named John and Ed were on the other side. It was too big of a risk (and they looked mean).

6. He will cross the road. But it won’t happen until just before he dies. Insurance. What if he did it early and changed his mind? Smart thinking.

5. Finney and Pelagius just crossed. Everyone already thinks he follows them. To cross now would just confirm their suspicions.

4. He shipwrecked on his way across therefore he never made it.

3. God cast a vote for him to cross. Satan cast a vote for him not to cross. He holds the deciding vote.

2. He did cross the road. In fact, he has crossed it over a dozen times. He just keep backsliding.

1. He did cross the road but stopped half way. One side was Geneva and the other side was Rome.


Top Ten Reasons Why the Emerger Did Not Cross the Road?

I know. They don’t go by the name emerger anymore. But the attitude is still out there and they need representation on this issue.

10. Because he did not want to be labeled.

9. Because he was not absolutely certain that he could cross since in order to get to the other side, you would have to go half way, and in order to go half way, you would have to go half way to the half way, and in order to go half way to the half way, you would have to go half way, ad infinitum.

8. Because it was not a labyrinth shaped road.

7. Because only arrogant people cross roads.

6. He was afriad it was the “Romans Road.”

5. Because they don’t ordain women or homosexuals to street preaching on the other side.

4. Because everyone crosses the road. It must be wrong.

3. Because to cross the road you have to go West.

2. Because it was a one-way street.

1. Because he did not want to be accused of J-Mac-ing.


Top Eleven Reasons Why the Reformed Theologian Did not Cross the Road

11. A woman already crossed. We don’t follow women.

10. We don’t believe the road is safe. It wasn’t built between 1500-1700 A.D.

9. We believe that “road crossing” ceased with the death of the last Apostle or the completion of the New Testament.

8. The crossing guard was only helping people cross from one side to the other, so we are suspicious. Is this a denial of double pre-destination?

7. Neither Romans 9 or John 6 say anything about crossing roads. Therefore, it is unbiblical.

6. The “Walk” sign was gender neutral. It made us mad.

5. The road was called Tiber Ave.

4. John Wesley said that God’s prevenient grace would pave the way, but we have to take the steps ourselves. What a load!

3. We were not elected to cross before the foundation of the road.

2. Piper said that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied on our side of the road.

1. The pub is on this side of the road.


Top Ten Reasons the Evangelical Did Not Cross the Road

10. Because there was not a tea party on the other side of the road.

9. Because he was not sure WWJD in any given road crossing situation.

8. He wanted to avoid the man begging for money on the other side. He just needs to get a job.

7. The road was named after Bill Clinton.

6. He did not read anything about crossing the road in Purpose Driven Life.

5. On the other side of the road there was a guy who was the friend of a friend of a friend who voted for Obama.

4. Their church was watch the movie “The Road” on Sunday mornings instead of listening to a sermon. He wanted to wait until it was over to see what to do.

3. There were Fundamentalists on one side and liberals on the other side. He wanted to mediate so he went to the middle of the road.

2. Because he was waiting for the guy from the golf-cart ministry to pick him up.

1. While the main campus of his church was on the other side of the road, he had a satellite campus on his. Why cross?


Top Ten Reason the Dispensationalist Did Not Cross the Road

10. By taking a consistently literal approach, we thought that “cross the road” meant something about the crucifixion.

9. We thought that the other side was for Israel and this side was for the church.

8. Charles Ryrie was still on this side of the road, why cross?

7. It is pointless since Jesus is just going to bring us back after 7 years.

6. Like the OT prophets and the church age, we were unable to see the other side.

5. We counted and it would take 18 steps. That divided by 3 is 6. 666. Therefore, it would be taking the mark of the beast.

4. We were not a part of the ‘crossing’ dispensation.

3. Dallas Theological Seminary has yet published anything telling us how to do it.

2. It was crossing from HWY 69 to HWY 70. That road is meant only for Israel.

1. We thought we would be raptured before we got there anyway.